Morning Person Attempt

I am now waking up at an hour that I haven't greeted since I had a newborn to feed, or a plane to catch. In other words, it's been years since I was up this early. My eyes are so weighted down that even blinking takes effort. My hair is Medusa like on one side and smushed flat on the other. There are remnants of mascara, but only under my right eye giving the effect of a prize fighter that lost on the first round. My family is trying to communicate with me but my husband's voice sounds like a Charlie Brown schoolteacher's. My kid's sound like an Alvin and The Chipmunks vinyl. I can't understand a word and I want to shoo them away but that would involve coherent thoughts and arm movements that I am not yet ready to perform. So instead I part my lips and allow the paint peeling morning breath to surround me like a force field that keeps them at bay.

I am not a morning person.

But I signed up to drive son to school every morning and so I am trying to become this mythical morning person I hear so much about. Much like the "I can't go to sleep till my kitchen is clean" creature that I have heard people speak of. Trying to become a showered, cheerful, perky, well wishing, alert driving, mother. Instead of the wild haired, wild eyed, groggy, pajama wearing mother waving at the bus as it drives away.
The first day of my new morning routine,  I returned home from son's drop off, put PBS on the television for daughter, lay down on the sofa to "rest my eyes" and passed out in a drooly middle aged nap while Dora played on. Waking up with a startled "Who? What? Huh?" realization that my daughter could have painted me from head to toe with a black Sharpie and I would have slept through it. So much for the morning snooze.

The second day I used son's number two pencil to pierce and subsequently shotgun several Diet Dr. Peppers on the way to school. I did manage to stay awake till bedtime that night. Bedtime = me passed out with my head in husband's lap and snoring while he watched the 9 O'clock news.

The third day I used so many mentholated, eucalyptus scented bath products to wake up with that I smelled like I had a Vick's Vabor Rub fetish and couldn't feel my shoulders until noon. Realized later that I wore my shirt inside out all day.

The fourth day I microwaved a bowl of oatmeal in an attempt to be healthy and fortify myself. It overflowed and the microwave door might possibly be welded shut forever with oat paste. Didn't have time to shower and drove son to school wearing slippers, pjs and much to his relief a bra.

The fifth day I got up early enough to take a walk before husband left for work and had to talk myself out of curling up for "just a minute" on every bench, porch swing and patch of grass that I passed by the entire stroll.

The sixth day I woke up, poured each child a mixing bowl full of cereal, handed them the remote, tried to go back to sleep but was awoken by the "knock knock knock'n" of a frustrated husband whose wife has passed out at 9 O'clock every night that week.

The seventh day I pretended to follow husband out of the bedroom, took a quick pee, then quickly ran back into the room, shut the door, pushed the quilt stand up against it and leaped into bed pulling the covers over my head. Ignored the fists pounding at the door and drifted off into the glorious Hawaii that is sleeping in.
I feel confident after this week that I will never become a morning person. But..I think, in time, I might be able to start remembering to wear my shirt right side out and shotgunning that soda with minimal spillage. And I'm up! I'm up already!


areyoukiddingme said...

4:45 am is a fine time to be awake...but I much preferred the time when that was when I was going to bed instead of getting up.

Good luck with the morning person thing. I cannot do it. Oh, I can wake up and get out of bed, but it's just best not to talk to me until I've been up for at least an hour.

bluebelleinbluegrass said...

I too have tried for years to be a morning person, to no avail. I tend to site my epic insomnia as reasoning. There just isn't enough coffee or fresh air in the world that is ever going to make me pleasant in the morning. I envy your ability to go to sleep at 9pm!

Momomatic said...

Areyou - I'm starting to get pissed that I can't sleep in now even if I want to.

Bluebell - I was normally a late nighter! Forcing myself to get up early and the not nap is brutal and making me pass out early. That and the Benedryl required for the fall season helps too....