Pickers, Hunters, Killers and Hoarders

I must confess I am absolutely hooked on "educational" cable channel programming. The shows on The Learning Channel, The History Channel, A&E fascinate me to no end. I feel inspired to offer critiques to the stars of these shows in a way that I never have with regular network television. Strangely enough they don't seem to hear the helpful questions and observations I yell at the screen. Which is too bad because I think it's quite possible that if they heard my advice they would totally not care hire me as a consultant. So here's what I think TV people... 

American Pickers

What exactly is your business model here boys? You offer $50 for objects that people would give you for $5.  I know the thrill of finding a vintage treasure can go to your head. Believe me I know. I once blacked out at Kane County Flea Market and woke up to find I had spent the entire days budget on a plastic bank shaped like a bowling pin and a bratwurst. But Danielle's tattoos aren't going to pay for themselves and without her tracking your whereabouts one of those toothless farmers is gonna add you to his "collection" by brining you in a rusty oil barrel. Profit margin boys, profit margin. It's what's gonna keep you alive.

And what's with said farmers bargaining to the bitter end about a random piece of whatever? This is it farmer fella. This is the moment you've been waiting for. This is the reason you've been keeping 5 outbuildings worth of crap for the last 50 years. There are no other sexually ambiguous guys in white vans with camera crews coming by to offer you $100 for an antique mouse trap I promise. Seize the day and sell the shit.

Ghost Hunters, Ghost Adventures, Paranormal State

Frankly, I'm afraid that the ghosts in my house can't tell that you are inside the television talking to other ghosts in an entirely different location. They'll just hear you yelling antagonizing things like "Show yourself!" and think you are talking to them. Which then forces me to yell, "Not you, not you, don't fucking show yourself!" to my ghosts. It gets really stressful so I usually just watch your shows on mute.

Also, I have noticed that you all tend to startle easily. I think maybe if you are prone to shriek and run when you hear a noise, should you find yourself unable to stop yelling and hooting when you think you've found a spirit. Then perhaps, perhaps, ghost hunting isn't the career for you?

Billy The Exterminator.

First I have to say that I love your mama. I love when she yells "Don't forgit yer Epipen!" into the iphone that she holds an arm's length from her face. LOVE IT. And I watch with bated breath to see if your cousin is going to have to get a shot of Epi adrenaline to his heart just like in the movie Pulp Fiction BECAUSE HE IS ALLERGIC TO THE BEES THAT YOU ARE MAKING HIM EXTERMINATE. Bated. Breath.

But most of all, I am utterly delighted when you and your posse walk onto the property looking like Bret Micheals jacked off all over you. That takes guts. The leather, the chaps, the overly rolled brims of your cowboy hats...it's freaking fabulous! Plus you kill bugs which makes you automatically awesome. But I gotta tell you, the accessories are not matching the outfits. Cause when you start attacking a 30 foot high killer ant hill with squirt bottles the badass kinda falls apart. I have two words for you guys - blow torches.

Hoarders

I see your flat cats, and the potty chair you tie yourself to at night and I want you to get help. I'm cheering you on, really! But after 20 minutes of watching you stubbornly bargain to keep a moldy apple core while the county nails a condemned sign on your door I lose all patience.

Here's my idea,  I  once read about this nursing home that had a problem with patients that kept wandering off the premises. So they set up a fake bus stop and found they could just go collect the sweet Grandpas and Grandmas from the bus stop bench at their leisure.

Hoarder therapists need to set up a fake garbage pick. Lure the hoarders away from their home with promises of a dumpster full of week old yogurt behind the Piggly Wiggly. Then when everyone is safely out of the house - hit the joint with kerosene, matches and a fast controlled burn. Afterwards, set the hoarders up in a squeaky clean apartment furnished by Ikea. Once they catch a whiff of how much better cinnamon buns and OCD smells they'll be over their hoarding ways. Badaboombadabing, done.

You're welcome TV. You're welcome. Now please excuse me, because I heard a rumor there is a show about people who fight over the contents of storage units coming up and I am STOKED!

7 comments:

SoMo said...

Does it impress you that Billy was in my area, because we have a coyote problem? I was hoping to find someone to impress with that nuggest of info. Mostly people are shocked and ask You have coyotes?! That's what happens when you live near a cluster of tress and a dump. Jealous!

And I love your idea for Hoarders. Their stories are so sad, though. However, it does make me clean my house.

Mom O Matic said...

Somo - Color me impressed for sure!

Karen said...

Billy and his crew were my "bug men" for almost ten years. Loved them because they came and made all my nasty Louisana pests magically dissapear. From tree rats to giant cockroaches. Since we moved, I haven't found the same dedication (insanity) yet here in la-di-da Virginia Beach. The bug guy here won't even chase down one single hornet!

Elena said...

Billy...oh Billy....

Mom O Matic said...

Karen - Sweet. Like, I said - he's all shades of awesome and so's his mama. Maybe he needs leather holsters for his squirt guns?

Elena - That reminds me of the Oh Billy song by James Blunt.

Jenny said...

Why are you so damn funny? WHY?

Kulkuri said...

You are right on about American Pickers. Some of the stuff they go nuts over even I wouldn't keep and The Old Lady says I have way too much old rusty junk!!