Plastic Surrender


When I was pregnant with our first child I had fantasies of being an exclusively wood toy only family. "No, no.." I would graciously say when offered a Polly Pocket, "Our children only play with incredibly expensive wooden toys carved by contrite Germans."  I would explain that our children, who also never wore acrylic fireproof licensed pajama sets, enjoyed spending hours sliding and clicking their abacuses while I browsed through a Hannah Anderson catalog.

8 years later, and I just dropped my daughter trying to carry her to bed because her shiny Ariel nightgown was so slippery I couldn't keep a grip on her. She is of the firm opinion that if a toy or outfit doesn't have a synthetic sequin sewn onto it it's not even fucking worth it. Both of our children have so many plastic based toys that if there were ever to be a house fire the toxic black smoke we would burn would surely take out the whole town. A veritable Mattel Hiroshima.

But who am I to deny them the same thrill I got to experience when I popped the face off my Lindsey Wagner Bionic Woman doll for the first time? The heady power husband felt when he rode his red and yellow Big Wheels with the blue plastic trunk perfectly sized for one Hostess cupcake should he get peckish halfway round the block. Nope. Not me.

So we'll buy the Bakugan's for son, even though I have no idea what the hell those things actually are. We'll buy yet another Barbie for daughter so she has extra when she learns how fun it is to cut their hair or pierce their ears with sewing pins. And when friends give birth to their firstborns we will arrive with a non-toxic wooden toy in hand and won't say a word. Not even when they tell us that they are going to make sure their children only watch public television.

About time someone gave Jumbo Legos their Cock Bloc'n cred.

Order in the court! The court of headless, dead baby dolls.... 

Corn, Butter, Beer, Music, Steaks & Cakes? 
Sounds like a good time!


All images courtesy of the brilliantly funny website www.engrish.com.

8 comments:

Gwen said...

Who told you the Germans were contrite?

They were lying.

JP said...

Ah yes... I had my Bionic Man complete with peel away arm skin to reveal bionics... Those were the days...

Now if the toy doesn't beep, plug in, take a gabillion batteries or have some online component it's worthless.

Mom O Matic said...

Gwen - Oh dear. If you end up moving to Germany in 6 months I will send you my sewing kit and whistle so you can sew garments from the tapestry and train your children to line up when you tweet.

JP - Legos are our saving grace!

Michele said...

LMAO as always! Love this!!!! Exactly our house. And I agree, I wouldn't have it any other way... I forgot about the big wheel "trunk" - I must have been too busy with it upside down spinning the pedals yelling "Ice Cream, get your Ice Cream". We were easily amused in the 70's!

Andrew said...

And let's not forget the Easy Bake Oven, with it's 60W lite bulb and "delicious" mixes for anything you want ... as long as you want a wafer thin cake :o) Well said - a very entertaining post!

Mom O Matic said...

Michele - I would have totally played with you.

Andew - Yum, can't beat food cooked with a lightbulb. ;)

areyoukiddingme said...

My daughter REALLY wants one of those play kitchens, and when I suggested getting her that for Christmas, my husband said "we don't need any more plastic crap." He lives in a fantasy world...

Mom O Matic said...

Areyou - He does. Though we do love the wooden kitchen we got from Target. But it is filled with tons of plastic food of course.