There are many things in this life I don't understand, they simply don't make sense to me. Most especially...drinking games. I guess once upon a time drinking games sort of made sense. Back when I thought the taste of alcohol was disgusting and something I had to drink to muster up the courage to try and do the Molly Ringwald Breakfast Club dance. But now, I like alcohol. A like it a lot. There is no need to coerce me into taking another sip of my gin and tonic or swig of my Miller High Life. I want to drink it. In fact, the pace of a drinking game doesn't allow me to drink my alcohol as fast I might like to.
Also I drink so I don't have to think. And drinking games make me think. I don't want to figure out what the hell I am supposed to pack in my suitcase cause I'm going on a trip. I want to not think about the fact that my family vacation will be in the Chuck E. Cheese budget range again this year. I don't want to play drinking games like Asshole that involve cards and math and hierarchy. I want to drink enough that we all think it's hilarious to call each other assholes without the playing cards.
And why are we throwing balls into beer? If I wanted my beer with balls in it I would take a time machine back to my college days with a Bic razor stuffed in my back pocket. I want my beer ball free please. And you see all that stuff you splashed on the table when you tossed your penny into my Michelob Ultra? That's beer I can't drink. Or will be forced to lick up once I think nobody is looking. Now that is just poor planning.
And the game "I have never" always confused me. Do we drink if we "have never" or do we drink if we "have" ? You can explain it to me but eventually my mind will wander off and forget which one I'm supposed to drink to. And I will end up drinking when someone says "I have never had sex with a monkey" and I'll accidentally agree to having hooked up with an ape.* And then there is just no way out. Cause once say you've done it with a primate nobody is letting you off that hook. Better to pretend you got BJ and his Bear mixed up one night back in the mid 80's and hope everyone gets drunk enough that you can blame it on the other blonde that was also playing the game.
So I've got a proposal, a new drinking game for people that actually enjoy the taste of their Mogen David. It's called "Keep 'er coming". The object is to make sure that no glass ever reaches the bottom. We all must continue to fill each other's drinks all night long so nobody ever gets an empty glass. Everyone keeps their playing cards and their balls in their pockets and just drinks. Brilliant!
*Never hooked up with an ape.