Snoring Showdown

I have to preface this story with the fact that my husband is the sweetest guy you will meet. He'll shovel the driveway, help you fix your car, hold the door for you and is in a good mood 360 out of the 365 days of the year. He is basically the opposite of me who would rather pay the neighbor kid to shovel and can turn a mood ring black in seconds flat.

My point is that my husband is nice. Super nice. Except...when you wake him up. Woken out of a deep sleep he becomes transformed. The man who can put together an entire Ikea bookshelf only to find that he is missing the last integral piece that will keep it all together (something that would have me lobbing frozen Swedish meatballs at their employees) and only says, "Man! Oh well (laughs) I guess we're going back to Ikea." will curse like an angry, belligerent, slurry sailor if awoken from a deep REM sleep.

I know this because I've watched him wake up to go into the bathroom and jiggle the handle of a running toilet while muttering, "Seriously. Damn it! Seriously? Do people in this house not know HOW to flush? FUCK'n A!" And then claim to remember none of it the next morning. "Really? I said that? I'm sure you imagined it. How do you want your eggs?" Nothing will convince him that he had an outburst that used bad 80's swear-expressions.

And this is ok. I'm down with this quirk of his. Would much rather live with a thoughtful, kind person by day who gets freaky angry at night if woken. Until...the snoring happened.

When he first started snoring I said nothing. Nothing. But exhaustion eventually forced me to face the crazy cursing sailor and wake him up. So I sat cross legged on the bed at midnight, staring at his face and trying to will him to wake up and roll over. This did not work, though it did make me buy him a nose hair trimmer. Then I attempted to pretend it wasn't me that woke up him in order to get him to turn over. This strategy involved me blowing air gently up his nose or in his ear which only seemed to make the snoring deeper and more random, making him sound like a pissed off honking goose.

Nights of this and I am so, so tired. I decide it is time to be brave and just wake the man up. "Honey, honey you are snoring you need to roll on your side. Roll over please." Which was met with responses like, "I am NOT snoring. You are hearing the heater, it is not me. I am awake and would KNOW if I was snoring. Maybe you are snoring. Maybe you are waking yourself up with your own snoring?" Resumes snoring.


After repeating this inane argument night after night I am finally forced to videotape him sawing logs and present the evidence to his daytime self.  At last he admits that he snores but says, "I'm sure it's your fault because you have disrupted my sleep patterns. Just let me sleep and I'll be fine." Really! Really?

Now all bets are off. I'm done trying to make shhhhhh shhhhhh noises like a running toilet so he'll wake up. I haven't slept properly in so, so very long and by God I am going to sleep tonight.

I present him with the Breathe Right strip that the pharmacist assured me would work when I was snotty crying, "I just want to sleeeeeep"  all over his poly lab coat. My husband immediately eschews it. "No, don't be silly. I don't need that. Just let me sleep and it will be fine. I won't snore." And I smile really, really sweetly and reply, "Either you strap this to your nose and let me have a good night's rest that does not involve sedating myself or I will sit on you while you are sleeping and stick every last one of these strips to your chest hairs...Fuck'n A promise."

To which he says, "Wow you are cranky. Maybe you should get more sleep?"


areyoukiddingme said...

You could have started with a humidifier...I got a nice cheap one at Walgreens that also provides white noise. Cured my husband's and my daughter's snoring...

Anonymous said...

You are hysterical! My husband snore SO loudly I think I might kill him!

Megan said...

I am a shin kicker. He starts snoring, I start kicking. If that doesn't roll him over, a well placed elbow to the ribs usually does. Hubs will wake up rubbing his shins or side and make some wise-ass comment about me hitting him in my sleep again. Yeah, I was sleeping......

Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress said...

Absolutely hilarious! No, um, I meant to say, man, that really sucks and he sounds like an awful nice guy and I hope he gets that snoring thing in check. Absolutely hilarious! I mean, sorry to hear about your lack of sleep, that can be such a killer in the morning. I feel ya.

Mom O Matic said...

Are you - I'll give it a shot tonight for sure.

Anon - thanks!

Elizabeth - Thanks!

amy said...

Hehehe. Fuckin' A!

You might want to have him have a sleep lab done. My husband complained of my snoring, so I went and did a sleep study, and it turns out I have sleep apnea. I used to wake up with the WORST headaches. Now I know why - sleep great now and no snoring!

Mom O Matic said...

Amy - We should def. bring Fuckin A back. I think I am going to see if he'll go to the ear nose and throat guy that the kids went to. He can't be sleeping well with me poking him in the ass to get him to roll over either.

Mom O Matic said...

Megan - Oooh shin kicking sounds nice. But it's not my husband's shins I would kick!

Leighann said...

I could have written this! But I've recently found out that my husband reads my blog. Ugh!

My problem is that once I am awoken I CAN NOT get back to sleep. Can't.

So I start gripping the pillow and telling myself that every woman in the history of the world that has smothered her husband with a pillow was quite justified!

His nose has been doing this weird thing while he sleeps.

Drive me NUTS!

He doesn't believe me because, well, it doesn't make that noise during the day.

I bought (Target brand because I am cheap) Breathe Right strips today. Hope they help.

Stitch said...

well... the good news is that if he's really hard to wake up he's probably not having apnea. Still, if the snoring is a new thing you probably should insist that he go for a sleep study.

My husband, who does have sleep apena, I would wait until he would gasp (meaning he'd just woken himself up to breathe) and then talk to him. He too would deny snoring, insist that he was breathing fine, and go back to sleep without rolling over.

I now have a dirty trick. I tug his pillow, short hard tugs, until he wakes up. He never realizes that I've done it but he repositions himself and that helps.

I suggest ear plugs.

Mom O Matic said...

Le & stitch - I think it is the denying of the snoring that makes me nuts. And yeah..time to check this out with a doc for his sake too!

The Animated Woman. said...

So funny and so TRUE!! My husband does the exact same thing - starts snoring, and then when I kick him and say "stop snoring" he claims to be wide awake!! He tells me I'm crazy!!

Riiiight...roll over dude.

And that's why I feel no guilt about warming my ice-cold feetsies on the backs of his legs.

Mom O Matic said...

Little - Argh! I was poking his arsehole last night and not in a good way. Just trying to get him to roooolll without fighting. And yet...I still got "I am wide awake!"