I have to preface this story with the fact that my husband is the sweetest guy you will meet. He'll shovel the driveway, help you fix your car, hold the door for you and is in a good mood 360 out of the 365 days of the year. He is basically the opposite of me who would rather pay the neighbor kid to shovel and can turn a mood ring black in seconds flat.
My point is that my husband is nice. Super nice. Except...when you wake him up. Woken out of a deep sleep he becomes transformed. The man who can put together an entire Ikea bookshelf only to find that he is missing the last integral piece that will keep it all together (something that would have me lobbing frozen Swedish meatballs at their employees) and only says, "Man! Oh well (laughs) I guess we're going back to Ikea." will curse like an angry, belligerent, slurry sailor if awoken from a deep REM sleep.
I know this because I've watched him wake up to go into the bathroom and jiggle the handle of a running toilet while muttering, "Seriously. Damn it! Seriously? Do people in this house not know HOW to flush? FUCK'n A!" And then claim to remember none of it the next morning. "Really? I said that? I'm sure you imagined it. How do you want your eggs?" Nothing will convince him that he had an outburst that used bad 80's swear-expressions.
And this is ok. I'm down with this quirk of his. Would much rather live with a thoughtful, kind person by day who gets freaky angry at night if woken. Until...the snoring happened.
When he first started snoring I said nothing. Nothing. But exhaustion eventually forced me to face the crazy cursing sailor and wake him up. So I sat cross legged on the bed at midnight, staring at his face and trying to will him to wake up and roll over. This did not work, though it did make me buy him a nose hair trimmer. Then I attempted to pretend it wasn't me that woke up him in order to get him to turn over. This strategy involved me blowing air gently up his nose or in his ear which only seemed to make the snoring deeper and more random, making him sound like a pissed off honking goose.
Nights of this and I am so, so tired. I decide it is time to be brave and just wake the man up. "Honey, honey you are snoring you need to roll on your side. Roll over please." Which was met with responses like, "I am NOT snoring. You are hearing the heater, it is not me. I am awake and would KNOW if I was snoring. Maybe you are snoring. Maybe you are waking yourself up with your own snoring?" Resumes snoring.
After repeating this inane argument night after night I am finally forced to videotape him sawing logs and present the evidence to his daytime self. At last he admits that he snores but says, "I'm sure it's your fault because you have disrupted my sleep patterns. Just let me sleep and I'll be fine." Really! Really?
Now all bets are off. I'm done trying to make shhhhhh shhhhhh noises like a running toilet so he'll wake up. I haven't slept properly in so, so very long and by God I am going to sleep tonight.
I present him with the Breathe Right strip that the pharmacist assured me would work when I was snotty crying, "I just want to sleeeeeep" all over his poly lab coat. My husband immediately eschews it. "No, don't be silly. I don't need that. Just let me sleep and it will be fine. I won't snore." And I smile really, really sweetly and reply, "Either you strap this to your nose and let me have a good night's rest that does not involve sedating myself or I will sit on you while you are sleeping and stick every last one of these strips to your chest hairs...Fuck'n A promise."
To which he says, "Wow you are cranky. Maybe you should get more sleep?"