Calling The Attendance Office

My wonderful son has the immune system of a peasant living in the age of the bubonic plague and dining off of sewer rats. He gets sick so very easily. We do allergy meds and vitamins but the poor guy is a magnet for germ nasty. So he's home from school a lot. So much so - that I'm starting to suspect the school attendance secretary thinks I have Munchausen syndrome. Or that we are secret terrorists creating airborne germ warfair in our basement using spare Ikea parts and Activa yogurt. Both misconceptions I tried to dispell when I left a one, ok a few, messages on the attendance office answering machine this morning.

Msg 1: Soo..it's me again. I'm calling this time because my son has the Swine Flu, H1N1. They swabbed his nose, so I have proof. I mean I don't have the actual swabs, but I do have a note saying they swabbed. Anyways, he won't be in school for a week and he's taking Tamiflu. Ok, thanks. *click*


Msg 2: Heeey, forgot to tell you that we are going to keep my daughter home all week too because our son is so contagious that we don't her to go to school and contaminate everyone. You know, we don't want to spread the Swine Flu around the school again this year. *click*


Msg 3: Hiiii again, just wanted to clarify. What I meant by "we don't want to spread it around again this year" is that we don't want to contribute to the Swine Flu epidemic of 2011, not that we started the epidemic last year. That wasn't us. Thanks, bye. *click*


Msg 4: Also, by "it's me again" I meant "This is Mrs. XXXX". Ok, thanks. *click*

Oddly, I suspect she didn't need me to clarify who it was that was calling.....

5 comments:

areyoukiddingme said...

I'm guessing that you made her entire week with that series of messages.

Amy Kate said...

I am 90% sure that there is a school front office secretary with a blog devoted solely to your awesome messages. Good luck kicking the swine's ass!

Anonymous said...

You are hilarious! Love you, sister.

SarahLynn said...

pretty sure you have to add the 'by proxy' to the Munchausen when you are doing it to someone else. Just want to help you keep you mental health issues straight.

The Animated Woman. said...

Hah! I'd have loved to be a fly on the wall in the school admin office as they listen to your messages. A fly with swine flu, of course.

Once again you so effortlessly turn the banal into fantasmo funnee with your genius.