The Devil's In Town And He Brought Do-Si-Dos

People in my town are muttering under their breath. They have furrowed brows and scowly frowns. Because a blight has come to our little village. A visitor that came clad in the seemingly innocent guise of childhood, industry and good deeds. And this visitor brought with her the curse that has every mother on the school playground staring at each other, confused and sugar dazed. Until someone finally breaks down and just says what everyone is thinking, "Mother fucking girl scout cookies!"

Oh yes. They're here.

We didn't remember how much we bought! Who can keep track of every friend's child, neighbor kid and relative that asked you to buy a box or two of those irresistible treats. So we naively ordered and then bargained with ourselves as the cookies kept coming, and coming.
"I'll just open one box at a time. I'll keep them in the freezer. I'll only have two a day. I will only eat my favorite one and leave the rest for my family. I will respect that a sleeve of cookies is not a serving size." 
Sure you will sweetheart. Next thing you know we are all popping those frozen, chocolately Thin Mints into our mouths like they're $25 poker chips that we can cash in at the fatass table. We find ourselves lingering at bedtime so we can have some privacy when we tear into that clear plastic sleeve of Tagalongs like a starving grizzly bear. Eating stacks of Trefoils off our bellies while we watch bad cable TV.

There is no resistance. There is no antidote. The only hope we have is to eat our way on through to the other side until they are all gone. And then pray that we are all so bloated and nauseous that the mother fucking little league candy bars we have to sell don't appeal.

8 comments:

Not Just Another Jennifer said...

Ha! Love this line: like they're $25 poker chips that we can cash in at the fatass table.

So, so true...Every year I swear I'm not going to buy any. They get delivered at the beginning of January in our town - just as we all start our new diets - curses!!!! But in October when they sell them, it's starting to get cold and you're feeling all excited about the coming holidays, and life just wouldn't be right without Girl Scout cookies. So I cave. Every. Stinkin'. Time.

maternity tee girl said...

seriously just spit my coffee out when i read this and our whole office at 2 chix is laughing as i read it out loud to them. priceless post! and, we can all relate. long live the thin mint...and its offspring, the muffin top.

Kat said...

I try to control myself, I swear, but somehow they seem to just jump into my hands and all control is lost. Add a cup of tea and we're talking nirvanna here.....sigh....

Mom O Matic said...

Not just - And I don't know why they are so hard to resist. I can walk by the processed cookie aisle at the store and not be tempted. But give me a girl scout cookie and I can't say no.

Maternity - Thanks!

Kat - Oh, yes. And tea should be English blend with milk please.

areyoukiddingme said...

Mmmm - girl scout cookies. Our season is past, here, sadly. My ass is apparently not big enough.

Kadie said...

I absolutely agree! My ex bought a whole case of thin mints one year...he thought he'd have cookies for months...that didn't work out!te

Mom O Matic said...

Areyou & Kadie - I would say I have plenty to share with, but that is now a lie. We are making our way through the boxes at a frightening pace.

Carrie Louise said...

Hilarious post! We're expats living in England with nary a Samoa in sight, so please feel free to save yourself from satan's sugar and ship it over here.