Make Out Revival

Husband and I have been making out. Lip rassl'n, snogging, sucking face, mashing, rub'n cotton, etc. I'm not exactly sure what sparked this tonsil hockey revival but I suspect it came out of the desire to generate warmth as the snow has unstoppably piled up to the tip top of our window ledges this month. Romance and blue balls sparked by an unending winter.

But it's lovely and I encourage everyone to give it a go. And if you are going to give it a shot - here are a few guidelines to make it an authentic, nostalgic, make out experience....

Retro Make Out Revival Guidelines

Chew gum, brush your teeth and pop breath mints a lot. Which sounds obvious right? But how many times have you said, "We can do it but let's not kiss cause I just ate guacamole." A lot right? No? Well I really like guacamole.

Skip the hickeys. When you were a teenager the old "curling iron" burn excuse could only work so many times. As an adult if you show up to your kids school with hickeys people will assume you bear the mark of the plague and letting their kids play at your house will ensure they have to deal with a month of vomiting and antibiotics.

Try not to scream "Don't touch the fat rolls!". And no wearing Spanx or any other form of compression (i.e. dick-proof) garments.

Have your husband tell everyone he meets the next day that he totally nailed you even though you only let him get to second base.
Pretend you have your period so you don't get pressured to go all the way. Add credibility by wearing a circa 1980's maxi pad that's big enough to make you sit three inches taller on the couch.
Make a mix tape on your ipod that includes intermittent sound effects like your mother's voice yelling "Keep your hands where I can see them and the door open!" and the sound of a shotgun cocking. Then you can yell "We're just studying! Gaawd!" while desperately trying to redo your front hook bra. (Remember front hook bras? Me neither.)
Authentic make out experience mix tape song suggestions include but are not limited to;
Love Vigilantes by New Order
Good Feeling by Violent Femmes
Sweetest Thing by U2 (Substitution: With or Without You or I Will Follow)
Somebody by Depeche Mode (Substitution: Just Can't Get Enough)
Girlfriend in a Coma by The Smiths
Just Like Heaven by The Cure
Dab a little Drakkar Noir and Anias Anias behind your ears. It'll bring your senses right back to the backseat of his Chevy Nova. Other scents that will take you back to your overheated days include Aqua Net, Rave, Irish Spring, Strawberry Lip Gloss and Noxema face cream. If you were really fast and loose then maybe the junior high scent of Love's Baby Soft or Musky Jasmine.

Chewing Bubblicious or Fruit Stripe gum right before hand is a nice touch.

Do not be alarmed if your partner freaks out when you stick your tongue in his or her ear. They are used to you giving them Wet Willies when they snore at night so they may get confused.

When you are done necking pretend to be really concerned that you might be pregnant cause you touched "it".
 Enjoy. And be sure to call me and tell me all about it while you hang upside down from your couch and twirl the cord on your Pac Man phone.

5 comments:

The Tame One said...

Add only dry hump. You made me giggle!

Miss Jess said...

Oh man... I love a good make out session. Unfortunately it's been WAY too long since my last go at it. I'm hopeful that Cupid will shoot my ass with the love bug soon. This winter has been long, and brutally cold with a crap ton of snow. I miss having someone to "Share warmth" with. Cheers to you and your husband for bringing back retro make out sessions! It truly is a lost art.

Mom O Matic said...

Tame One - "Dry Hump" has a whole new meaning when you are approaching 40.

Miss Jess - It will be all the better for having waited. Can't even imagine trying to date in this Chicago winter though!

areyoukiddingme said...

Love your music selections - takes me right back to high school!

Mom O Matic said...

Areyou - Loaded those on my ipod right after making this post!